Waiting for Gouda

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your Cyndi Lauper song of the day, brought to you by my ongoing moronic quest is:

True Colors

Originally on the album of the same name, released in 1986. But of course, I know it only through Ms. Lauper’s greatest hits album (yes, that’s right), entitled Twelve Deadly Cyns… And Then Some. It apparently came out in 1995 and then mysteriously ended up on my iPod some years later. Probably about Twelve years, actually!

Coincidence?!

Yes, yes it is.

But about that album title… the record has 14 songs on it. So, um… WTF, Cyndi? I’m guessing that the “… And Then Some” refers to the two “extra” songs. You had to throw that post-ellipsis text on there because you really wanted to cleverly play off the familiar phrase “12 Deadly Sins”, right?

Except, who the hell has ever heard of 12 Deadly Sins? There’s only seven. 7 deadly sins, everybody knows that. There’s Sloth, Pride, Lust… uh… Cantankery… and, well I’m pretty sure that putting Gwenyth Paltrow’s severed head in a box is in there somewhere…

Anyway, there’s seven, and everyone knows it. If you wanted to be clever, shouldn’t this album have been called “Seven Deadly Cyns… And Then Some… And Then A Few More, Too”?

Now sure, if you Google “12 Deadly Sins” you’ll probably get a bunch of stupid articles that people wrote about what not to do in a job interview or wrestling alligators or whatever. But if you’re just going to make a list of crap and then count them and then stick the word “Deadly Sins” after it, then shouldn’t this album have been called simply “14 Deadly Cyns”? I mean, what is wrong with you?

Dammit, Lauper, why are you always pissing me off like this?! Aaaaaaarrrggghhh!

So, anyway, True Colors.

Turns out that it wasn’t just a Kodak commercial, people. As best I can tell, it’s a song about a woman who sees somebody else’s colors shining through, and really likes what she sees. Or she’s sad about it. Frankly, I don’t know because I was trying really hard to not pay attention. But either way, anybody who looks like this should not be worrying about anyone else’s colors. If your very own colors are this god-awful, the last thing you should be doing is talking about colors at all.

In fact, it’s pretty evident that you don’t even really understand how colors work. So screw you, Lauper!

I know what you’re thinking. Why does this guy hate Cyndi Lauper so much? Well, I’ve never told anyone this before but when I was a young man, a grizzly bear killed my father.

And that bear was humming She-Bop.