Waiting for Gouda

(A semi-intentional homage to George Carlin.)

For approximately the last six years, five months, and nine days, the Chicago Transportation Authority has incorporated a security message into their customer notification system.

So, as you’re standing in The Coldest Location In The Midwest (Blue Line platform at Irving Park) and the blinky red message boards are scrolling the incredibly long list of semi-permanent temporary station closings and bus re-routes, you might see this:

“If you observe an unattended package, witness anything unusual, or see someone acting suspiciously, tell the bus or train operator or rail station Customer Assistant immediately.”

I suppose it’s not a bad idea for people to be aware of their surroundings. But this message… I really don’t think the CTA means it. Not at all.

Do they really want me to inform a CTA employee every time any one of these three things occurs?

Observe an unattended package.
Well, let’s see here… Does this enormous wad of crumpled garbage on the seat next to me constitute a package? Someone must have carried it on the train, right? It appears to be entirely unattended at the present time.

What about the empty KFC box on the train station bench? Why, that’s the very definition of a package if I ever saw one. Nobody seems to be giving it much attention at all. Should I tell the train operator? If so, what will he do about it?

And this screaming child right behind me on the bus. I can’t be positive if any of the adults back there are in fact guardians, but this child really, really seems to be unattended. While probably not considered a package, per se, who’s to say what the little bastard might have hidden under his coat? I suppose I should mention it to the bus driver, just to be on the safe side.

Witness anything unusual.
Really, now. There is not enough time in the day for me to inform CTA personnel about every unusual thing I see. Just today on my way to work, I saw:

- a woman wearing two different colored shoes. Odd.
- a kid that had the bridge of his nose pierced. Not unheard of, but not exactly usual.
- a guy picking his nose with a car key. I can’t imagine that felt good.
- a man who claimed to learn something useful from the RedEye. Never seen that before.
- a guy out walking his dog while wearing shorts, even though it’s several hundred thousand degrees below zero. Now technically, this was out on the sidewalk, but it was very close to CTA property.

See someone acting suspiciously.
Hmm, now that they mention it… there was a group of men standing on the El platform this morning. They were sort of huddled together, and all of them had big scarves wrapped around their heads so you could only see their eyes. They kept putting their hands in their pockets like maybe they had something in there. And they would shift their weight back and forth, like they were nervous or something. At least one of them was holding a steaming container which I’m positive contained more than 3 oz. of liquid!

If all that isn’t suspicious, then I don’t know what that word means!

Now what do suppose would happen if I told the El station attendant all of these things? Well, yes, of course I would first have to wake them up, so they might be groggy at first. But once I told them about all of the unusual things and packages and suspicious characters lurking about… why, they would thank me, wouldn’t they? They would thank me heartily, most likely give me a clap on the back, call in the authorities and get down to the good work of protecting upstanding commuters from all things strange and unattended.

Or not.