Waiting for Gouda

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that one of my duties here at the front desk is to answer the telephone. Ha, I kid! Anyway, a lot of people in the business community apparently are so damned busy with very, very important work-type tasks that they cannot possibly free up either one of their hands to hold their telephone receivers up in the general vicinity of their faces. Instead, they use speakerphones. It’s a reasonable idea, I suppose, to be able to talk to someone while doing other things around your office, like… oh, I don’t know… pilates, or something. The trouble is, I think, that people greatly overestimate the relative strength and quality of their phones, because when they call me, it often sounds like they are across the room, facing the wall, with their head securely wrapped in several layers of burlap.

“Good afternoon,” I say.

They reply, Mffffrmmmrm mmrllrfm fmmmrlfm. Mrrrlff ?

I generally say something like, “I’m sorry?” This is short for, “I’m sorry you’re such a douchebag. Now take the sack off your head and the chew toy out of your mouth and we’ll try this again.”

And then, without fail, they immediately, and I do mean immediately, pick up the receiver and repeat whatever the hell it is they were trying to say. This suggests a couple of things to me. 1) They recognize that their crappy speakerphone is the reason people can’t understand what they’re saying, and 2) They were sitting right next to the phone, with at least one free hand available for normal, old-fashioned telephone use. And yet they continue to use the speakerphone. Why? They must think it’s cool. Hey, look at me! I’m on the phone! But I’m not touching it! Wheeeeeeee!